I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
