Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I party with great urgency now.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
