i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
