a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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