my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
