My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
