Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Girls should come with a carfax report
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
