I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
