A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
