I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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