yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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