I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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