I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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