Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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