Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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