Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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