I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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