My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
