i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
NoShamevember. You game?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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