Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
