I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
