good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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