Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
