and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
