Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The power of my boobs compel you
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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