Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
