Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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