someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
