the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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