I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
