does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
