dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
