he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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