Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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