Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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