I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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