God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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