All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
