I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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