I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
