Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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