I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
