I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
