Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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