If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
