well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
