You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
