life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm going to jail i love you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
