The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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