I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
