Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
