my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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