She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
